CK quoting AR:
"AR says 'When you're writing in real time you have to revise a lot.' By this I think she means that every time you try & write the truth it changes. More happens. Information constantly expands."
This is accurate in my experience because my heart isn't hermetic & shit keeps happening to it. I'm not in love the same way I was yesterday & the disorganization of it all makes me feel out of control.
A tells me there's a pattern to our "arguments," which feels like a finger pointed at me for looking inward first at all times. ("Arguments" because I didn't know one could argue calmly, accompanied by shared meals & sex.) I'm quick to blame myself for my feelings, shut my mouth, & leave the apartment with not much explanation. I don't wonder how annoying this can be–– I know it is. I write desperately in real-time but information doesn't expand much. No text, no update, no pretending like nothing happened. Just an unprovoked Icelandic artist trying to convince me that all tech bros are drug addicts & psychopaths (ungodly timing). It stings to sit in silence & recognize that I am upset with him in several ways. It's painful to admit that someone who loves me can lack consideration for me sometimes. But it's even more painful to accept that I can be hurt. That I can be so butthurt about some crude jokes, some lack of gentleness.
To self-soothe I eat a lot of wasabi peas & remind myself I've been generally okay despite worse things. The world expands. More happens. More difficult choices & conversations. More love. I eat even more wasabi peas & aggressively type some emails. I'm irritated by how abstruse men can be. Are they ever satisfied? Does every man believe he deserves a 10? I crack the code–– this is exactly why it's so easy for women to hate the entirety of men. The allure & specificity of one man becomes unbearably overwhelming when multiplied into a herd. But where's the fun in the life of a heterosexual girl without making exceptions?
