2025.049
The long weekend is over & there is one thing I didn't do– paint.
I had breakfast with L on Saturday & we sat in a Polish diner until 2 PM discussing her East Village co-op renovation, the price of gold, work ethic, & my co-habitant/lover as known as her son. I devoured some toast & fries & sausages & scrambled eggs that were perfectly made but took 45 minutes to be served. Going through the initial homemaking stage at a new apartment myself, I felt excitement for L's capacity to tear down walls & floors but also a grand relief that I'm not going to be doing any of that. I'm only quixotic in the sense that I believe I might be in a happy sexy relationship forever but not in the sense that I can build a happy sexy kitchen/bathroom/living room from scratch. After I parted ways with L, I walked through the rain to E's apartment in Clinton Hill to check on her cat. I painted this cat last year so I felt a responsibility to care for its well-being while E was in India. The cat was smaller than I remembered & it sat right next to me on the couch. I spilled churu on my pants but stayed & watched the Martha Stewart documentary on Netflix because E was kind enough to provide amenities & I don't have a Netflix login. I didn't know that Martha Stewart actually didn't commit insider trading until I watched this documentary. & because I respect women who make it out of prison, I started following marthastewart48 on Instagram & headed back home feeling like a true girl's girl/DIY princess. I installed some shelves in the bathroom & passed out around midnight.
On Sunday, I vacuumed the mess I made from drilling holes in the drywall. I ordered more stuff on Amazon & felt disgusted about ordering stuff on Amazon. I hung some paintings & stretched & gesso'd 10 surfaces. L texted me if I would join her for dinner. I made my way to Williamsburg & went to a store that sells a lot of junk & felt annoyed when the cashier called me "bae" & then "boo" & then "bae" again. I bought a wooden tray & got soaked in the rain on my way to the restaurant. L ordered a cocktail & I got a glass of Italian red I'd never heard of. I wondered if I was forcing myself to believe that it could be easy like this to spend time with my boyfriend's mother or if it was actually this easy because I'm incredibly lucky somehow. We spent 3 hours just talking & eating & I got home around 9. Following asleep I wished I was dead or A was here to hold me. I had a dream that B texted me & declared they now identified as white & straight.
On Monday, J came & we went out for ramen. I learned about a male hair transplant specialist in Belgium whom she met in January. We walked through the wind storm & I impulse-bought a tiny glass shelf from the hardware store. She helped me mount it on the wall & we talked for hours over some chocolate & grapes about dental care & lesbian porn. We found ourselves on opposite sides when we discussed the distances we would go for our boyfriends. I said I wouldn't move to another country or have a child for a man but would die for him if needed because love is fragile, but death is not. I explained that there are consequences once love is over but none when life is over. J seemed surprised by the lack of confidence I had in myself to deal with heartbreak. I wished she'd sleep over but she didn't & when she left I felt overwhelmed with exhaustion. I gave up on even considering making dinner & opened the packages I got from Amazon. I cursed my body for being so tired even when blessed with wonderful friendships.