2025.029
I'm sick again & it's ridiculous because how can someone get sick twice in one month. I attach some psychological conspiracies to make sense of this, as in sniffing for bad vibes lurking around me which my body might be warning me of. But in my vicinity there is not much else than A who is excited to try a hokey fried egg recipe, N who renders me deeply humbled with his poignant faith in art & a ferocious black chihuahua named Mushy. The reverberation of safety I feel in A's arms competes with the steady alarms of NYT live news on my phone.
It always feels cringe to be loudly liberal or leftist because as a liberal/leftist my opinions will always have a flaw (or many) & that causes an injury to my self-perception as an empathetic & moral person. Not to mention the fear of coming across as pretentious while having no solid plan to achieve something lucrative. & living in New York City is, in a way, a type of troglodytism–– look at the comment section of this: https://www.nytimes.com/2024/12/10/nyregion/adams-migrants-sanctuary-nyc.html Notwithstanding that NYC is just as vulnerable as anywhere else in the world that faces a tyrant, there is an immense feeling of protection & freedom, which I believe is achieved through comparison with other more oppressed cities & states, which is an automatically popular strategy in times of crises–– think about how well-off you are compared to the starving children in Africa, etc.
& it's an anticipated shame that the vast majority struggle with the idea of loving the bottom of the barrel. The system that fuels the thirst for competition makes the efforts to love the illegals, the homeless, & the addicts seem foolish. So I accept the sadness that comes from seeing the liberal defense for undocumented immigrants: "Just wait & see how fucking expensive everything is going to get." The argument is simply trying to defeat the accusation of foolishness, by assigning value to the illegals as a workforce, as no other inherent value they have as humans is admissible. I unfortunately relate to this "useless-unless-in-service-of-others" status in a personal way & suffer from migraines.