2025.014

I am depressed & exhausted although I have fun like a dog on the high school track at 6 AM. Today's workout: run normally, then very fast whenever the train passes. The simple rules really get me going & simple rules surprisingly work very well in various aspects of life, even compared to elaborate & complex rules, except in romantic relationships. The murkiness of is it sex if it's over the phone or is it cheating if it's just talking, etc. generally gets me distracted & deflated. I will go out on a limb & say that being horny is exhausting– "I gave my time to a penis instead of a painting" is what I'll say if asking strangers about regrets & private issues is still a thing when I'm 70.

I go to Zabar's but instead of getting any of their acclaimed Jewish deli meals, I just get a coffee. I regret not getting anything as I walk away from the store but the wind is like a machete & I struggle with even holding the coffee. I see my reflection in the cab window & my face is emanating serious struggle. The coffee dribbles onto my hand & I wipe it on my jacket (fuck!) & move my hair out of my face with hands still kind of wet with coffee (fuck fuck!) I wonder how some beautiful women are so beautiful that they cannot be anything else but universally acknowledged for their beauty. To be so hot even when the wind pushes your hair back & renders your face like a well-licked platypus, makes you squint & frown like a blind infant... god